In loving memory of my dear Aunt Joyce

But not too good or you won't find the one

Find a man, a high value one

Let him be the man or he'll find another one

Let him lead but teach him always

Let him be but be there anyways

Give him sex but not too soon

Give it all night but be awake before noon

Be a woman and clean this whole fucking house

Oh just relax and stop nagging about

Express your needs but never nag

Don't smoke weed, men don't like that

Be serious and Christian but don't be boring

Be fun and entertaining but only in his moments

Respect yourself but never say no

Always say no, it's all men know

Be open but don't try too hard

You'd rather play hard, it gets him hard

Make sure to be sexy but don't be a slut

No short skirts but show him your butt

"Oh just give up, it's not like that anymore"

But if you disobey that, you'll be out the door

Oh please he didn't touch you, you asked for it

I never even spoke to him, he demanded it

By Tatenda Mandingwa

A note on love and desire, by Tatenda Mandingwa

He will never tell you

Instead he will compliment everyone except you

He will never tell you

Instead you will ask him why the love has started to drift

And you’ll see his body language shift

When a man hates you

He will never tell you

Instead he will dangle plans and dreams for the future in your face

And once you trust him again he’ll take you out of that hopeful place

He will never tell you

Instead he prefers another type

And makes it known you don’t match that hype

He will never tell you

Instead he will exclude you

And hide the truth of his heart from you

He will never tell you

Anything that will uplift your spirit

Instead he will tell the other woman that you broke his

Mind you he says this while he’s drinking in a bar

Meanwhile you’re on the edge of a cliff, tempted to walk too far

When a man hates you

He will never tell you

Or leave you

Or address it with you

Or look within

Instead he punishes you

But don’t you dare leave, are you dumb?

A man who hates also needs you under his thumb

When A Man Hates You, Tatenda Mandingwa

Key

It’s hard to believe that someone can be with us but not actually want to be there. “Love is a choice you make every day” as the saying goes. So when they choose us each day, when they sleep with us, touch us, eat with us, go to parties with us, how could they possibly hate us? Surely we’re not forcing them, they’re there on free will. Yes, that is true; but they’re not there for you. They’re there for themselves. They are not choosing you, they are using you and, if you insist on keeping the blinders on your eyes, you can mistake the two. Choosing and using look the same because in both cases, the person is physically with us through everything. The key difference lies in how their presence actually makes you feel. This piece can apply to anyone of any gender. But I am a woman, a straight one, and I can only speak from that perspective. It wouldn’t be right to speak for someone else. So to the women like me; he might hate you but you must never forget to love you. It is then, and only then, that you empower yourself with the courage to leave.

He shot to injure and not to kill

Dead birds don’t sing.

My lover loved my wings, and loved to show people;

“Look at this black bird I waited so long for!”

I was proud.

I was my lover’s favourite capture, the prize for his years of waiting for me

I was proud.

My lover has forgotten me, even when I sing.

Devalued, by Tatenda Writes

I spent the better part of my last relationship hoping my ex would eventually hit me. My logic was that it would give me a good enough reason to finally walk away from the relationship. I was experiencing high levels of anxiety and mental confusion from being with him but leaving also didn’t feel like an option. Each time I tried to stand up for myself or express my concerns about his treatment of me, I was often defeated in the verbal war. Anyone who’s experienced gaslighting will understand what I mean by this. He had an explanation and justification for every hurtful thing he did, and he was always able to beat me in an argument. Often, I ended up being the one to apologise even when I was wronged. There were plenty of times I even blamed myself for his behaviour. So eventually I just stopped trying to communicate anything; I was wrong either way, in his eyes. This is what initially made it harder to leave. I felt like I didn’t have a good enough reason or explanation to give him and others. That, followed by my deep sense of fear; I was afraid of him. He had a temper and he used it frequently and, after a couple of threats, I subconsciously knew I was in danger.

Mind you, when he finally became physical with me, I still stayed. Why? Because that’s when I realised it was now too dangerous to even leave; at least, not without some sort of battle (a battle I feared I would not win). Violence is often used against victims as a form of control; it sends the message of, “no matter what you do, you are at the mercy of my temper.” That’s why many people stay, actually. The most dangerous time in any abuse victim’s life is at the point of them leaving, and shortly after. This is because control will be taken away from abuser and they’ll try any and all means to restore it; whether it’s threats, stalking, revenge porn, physical assault or even death. I expand on this here: The Danger Of Leaving

Violent cycles often have warning signs; they don’t just start hitting you on date number one. In my case, it started with him being the nicest man on earth. Then I was introduced to his quickness to anger, and how often it was directed towards me. Then it was followed by that time he threatened to “give you a beating” if I got with someone else. Then he doubled down on this and warned me not to “rule violence out as a possibility”; his words, not mine. Shortly after that, he slapped me in the face while we were roughhousing and claimed it was a reflex. No apologies were extended, of course.

By the time I finally accepted that I was not only being abused but also in danger, leaving became more dangerous than staying. Suddenly I no longer cared about the other women in his phone. Suddenly his criticisms didn’t hit had hard as they used to. My only concern became: how badly can I actually take a beating if I do leave? I was also riddled with regret at not having left sooner. If only, if only, if only. For legal reasons, I will not divulge the messiness of how I finally escaped him but I’d like to give a shout out to the Dutch police for all their help.

I learned the hard way that you don’t actually need a “good” reason to leave someone. You can leave for whatever reason you deem fit. I didn’t even know or realise that at the time. That’s probably because I never truly understood autonomy; my whole life, I was the easy daughter who pleased her parents and those around her. And when you are moulded to be such a people pleaser, your own desires become borderline illegal. It’s impossible to understand that you can actually do something simply because you want, or don’t want to. Shocking, I know. I most certainly didn’t think my feelings actually mattered. So the idea of leaving simply because I wasn’t happy was foreign to me. And it didn’t help that I was dealing with a monster who wouldn’t have allowed me to leave without a fight anyways.

And a fight it was. I’m just glad I got out. But I’ll talk about that another time.

Love,

Tatenda ❤️

That’s what inspired the below piece:

Often, those around us do not tell us when they disapprove of our behaviour. The rules of decorum dictate that silence is the most polite thing to do. So, we move about our daily lives and interact with friends, peers and acquaintances, not knowing what they truly think. And it doesn’t help when they cheer on our delusions. A fond memory of mine involves a friend who sat me down and held me accountable for my dating choices. I had not seen an issue with who, and how, I was dating but she did; and apparently so did my peers. However, she was the only one who loved me enough to encourage me to have higher standards than I did at that time. It was the first time anyone in my circle had done this; I was so used to people laughing and celebrating my funny (and sometimes wild) dating stories, and thinking that was normal. She also loved me enough to inform me that people thought otherwise. I wasn’t aware that what people applauded in front of me, was criticised behind me. We cannot read minds, at the end of the day. An unfortunate consequence of that is our peers rarely tell us what we need to hear. Few have the benevolence to be honest with us. They smile and nod but judge in private. And repeat.

A good friend of mine once said, a true friend will tell you when you smell to prevent you from embarrassment. The lesson? Listen to those who tell you that you stink. Because far too often, people will treat your odour like a perfume if it means they can laugh at you and forget about their own BO. You were never funny (to them), you were just easy to laugh at.